Brief (Bloody) Thoughts on Classroom Discipline

I know a post about school runs against my aformentioned concerns about being a one-trick, blog pony but it's what I have to offer you today.

In the microcosmic kingdom of the madness that is my imagination, I have spent much time the last few weeks mulling over potentially effective (even if altogether extreme) tactics of classroom discipline. The following scenario I have shared with several of you already. I call it "the 25th Hour approach."

In the film 25th Hour, Edward Norton plays Monty- a mid-level drug dealer connected to one of New York most powerful, Russian mobsters. Monty is busted by the DEA and offered a deal to lighten his own punishment IF he is willing to provide them information about his boss. Monty refuses, and choses instead to "do his time like a man." As a gesture of gratitude towards Monty, the Russian kingpin offers advice to help the other man survive his stint in prison: "Find the man with no friends, and beat him until his eyes bleed." This is to send a message to the other prisoners that Monty is a little crazy and not to be messed with.

My modification of this advice for dealing with elementary school kids, by contrast, calls for me to go for the biggest and/or most popular kid in the class. When executing the 25th hour approach, I wait until the student I have selected disobeys or disrespects me, and then I strike him (or perhaps her (Why discriminate according to gender?)) repeatedly upside one side of his (her) head with whatever textbook happens to be most handy. I will stop once I am mostly sure the child has lost sight in one eye. Then, still possessed by the heat of my indignation, I will turn to the rest of the class and yell:

"Do you see this, class? Do you see?! X is now blind in one eye. X will never be able to use a View Finder again. All because s/he wouldn't respect me and obey my instructions. Do you wish to share X's cycloptic fate? No?! Then I suggest that everyone pay better attention to what I say for the rest of the day. Are we clear? Good. Now that that's out of the way...Everyone, please turn your attention to our next lesson."

Of course, I would never ever seriously consider such a brutal and inappropriate course of action. However, it does exorcise my id to entertain such thoughts briefly now and again.

A second reflection on classroom discipline developed just this afternoon in discussion with some of the full-time staff at Chapelwood Elementary. This week I am serving my first week-long assignment, subbing with a class of twenty some-odd 4th graders. Two of the regular 4th grade teachers came to my room to check in on me after the students were dismissed. As is often the case, I was still not entirely clear how the discipline/reward system worked by the end of the day. As these two teachers answered my questions, one teacher fetched some forms for me from the office. This is the setting for the following conversation:

Mr. Markley: Here are those forms you asked about. (To the other regular teacher, Mrs. Padgett.) I just grabbed him some Level 2's and some Level 3's.

Mr. Scott: Just so I'm clear...What do Level 2 and Level 3 mean?

Mrs. Padgett: Level 2 is a time out. You send the student to another teacher's room for 30 minutes to an hour so they can cool down. If they come back from time out and they're still giving you problems, then you give them the Level 3 form. Then they have to go to the principal's office for a consulation.

Mr. Scott: Is there a Level 4?

Mrs. Padgett: Why, yes. there is.

Mr. Scott: What does that entail? Instant execution? (All laugh.)

Mrs. Padgett: Perhaps it should.

Mr. Scott: Should there be a note in my sub plans? "Dear Sub. There is a box under your desk which requires a 4-digit code. There is a revolver inside. There is only one bullet, so use it wisely." (All laugh again.)

On the drive home from school, I thought that such a hardnosed discipline system would have to have the consent of the parents. A teacher can't just going around shooting troublemaking kids without a legal release to do so.

Angry parents: We are outraged that Mr. Scott has taken our darlin' Billy from us. He had no right!

Principle: Actually, Mr. and Mrs. Stevens, he did have the right. Every teacher in Wayne Township is allowed to execute one student per semester...provided, of course, that said execution is in compliance with certain guidelines stipulated by the school board. It's all right here in the release form you signed at the beginning of the school year. Now I admit that the execution clause is tucked away in the fine print. But it is in there, and you indicated by placing your signature on this form that you had read and consented to all the disciplinary procedures detailed herein.

Angry parents: This is terrible! How can you have such a monstrous policy?

Principle: Monstrous though it may be, the threat of a violent death has been proven to be an effective deterrent in most of the schools where case studies have been done. And as long as parents such as yourselves keep releasing us to make use of such a threat...knowingly or not...our schools will continue to utilize it. Now are there any other matters I can help you with while you're here?


Remember in my first post when I said that, at some point, I would have you shaking your head in disbelief. I suspect that today is "some point."