Would you trust this man with YOUR children?

Finally! Dave Scott...has secured...employment.

And no its not being a Serious Pimp. I'll leave that to Quinton Jackson.

As of Thursday afternoon, I have officially been hired by the Municipal School District of Wayne Township in Indianapolis to be a substitute teacher. Yes, you read that correctly. When the full-time teachers on the westside of Indy become ill or take vacation, the strange face the children will see that morning may be the large, pale, expressive mug of this guy.

This hire comes as a relief, not only because I've been out of school and work since mid-May, but also because it took almost three weeks for the school offices to process my application. The major hold up is that they waited a whole week to call my personal references, and then spent another 10 days playing a lazy game of phone tage with one of them.

But the most important thing is that I can now earn a respectable paycheck and gain valuable classroom experience. Given, my teaching goals are aimed at college students but, seeing as I have virtually no previous track record of teaching any age group, this brand of experience could only help me out in the long run.

I have already found out that the rumors that local schools are always in serious need of subs is quite true. At my orientation on Thursday, I was told I should be incorporated into the SubFinder database sometime on Friday. Little did I know how early on Friday that would be.

At about 7:30am, no more than 5 minutes after I'd wiped the sleep from the corners of my eyes, a real live human being (not simply an automated calling service) telephoned my home and asked if I'd be available that day. She offered me numerous positions ranging from 4th grade to 7th to 9th. There was just one considerable problem with me working that day. I'd yet to buy my school "uniform."

I was not surprised to learn at orientation that the dress code for school teachers is business casual. However, I had not bought a new pair of slacks since the summer of 2003 and I've gained about 25 pounds since then. That means I need to hunt down what is seemingly the most rare breed of men's pants- the relaxed fit 38W-34L. And seeing as 10 of those 25 pounds have been gained in the last ten months, I may need to seek out that even rarer specimen- the 40W-34L.

Needless to say, I didn't think I had time in the next 30 minutes or so to capture my desired prey. To be perfectly frank, all I had on during my conversation with this woman was a pair of boxer shorts with sharks printed on them. So I declined the work she had offered, figuring that the last thing Wayne Township wanted in front of a classroom of their students was the great, white Mr. Scott in nothing but his Great White undies.

However, I hope to secure some viable pants over the weekend (although my trip to Kohl's yesterday was fruitless). And even though I passed on my first official job offer, that does not mean I'm hesitant to get started. Yesterday, I used SubFinder's online resources to book myself an assignment for every day next week. On Monday and Friday, I will teach 4th grade. On Tuesday and Wednesday, I will be with the same 3rd grade class. And on Thursday, my friends, Dave Scott will teach kindergarten...or as SubFinder identifies it...Grade Zero.

So say a prayer for these children. They have they dubious honor of being the first children to be taught by the ruler of this mad kingdom. And say a prayer for me as well. I have to admit that I'm more than a little nervous at the thought of being put in charge of a room full of small humans for 8 hours. Hopefully I will adjust quickly and learn to enjoy the substitute experience thoroughly. I've got the better part of 8 months to make the adjustment.


...If ya smeeeeeeeeee-le-le-le-LEL!...what Dave Scott...is...cookin'.