A Subdued Existential Funk

What follows is true, but the sentiments and feelings I share shouldn't be blown out of proportion. It's less than organized but it's not too long.



My sense and perception of my world has changed since Memorial Day. The change isn't necessarily radical but it's much deeper than superficial.



My sense of the world is different because the framework of my day has changed since the school year ended. For the last eight months, I was working as a substitute teacher. Though this job didn't pay a great deal or come with any benefits, it did give short-term meaning and short-term purpose to my individuals days, as well as the weeks and months composed by those days. Taking an assignment meant having a place to go and having responsibilities to assume. Being able to seek out and to accept assignments in advance gave me the ability to shape my future proactively and concretely.



Substitute teaching allowed me to do something I love; namely, working with children. And though filling in for elementary schools is a far cry from leading a course full of college students, I gained experience in the field of education. Something else positive about this position was that (once teachers and administrators began acknowledging my aptititude for the job) it allowed me to feel a sense of accomplishment in how I was spending my days and, more importantly, that fleeting sense we all chase in our work- that my actions and my words make some meaningful difference.



The school year ended May 24th, so my time as a substutitute teacher is over. I'm not so much upset that this job is over as I am dissappointed that I have to find some other means of making money for the next three months. I've had enough summer jobs to know there's little existential gratification to be had in them. And that rare ability to determine so much of my own schedule will be out the window. Instead of working with children, most of whom engaged me or even admired me immediately and unconditionally, I'm must go back into that imporsonal world of commerical transactions and near anonymous labor where I make very little difference.



This all hit me a week ago Wednesday. After the losing the buzz of being with dear friends over the holiday weekend, I finally stepped into a full awareness that my time as a sub was over and done. I remember rejoicing in August of '04 that I was "finally done with summer jobs." Only to find myself once again needing to find one, and loathing the situation. (I typed out most of a rather lengthy expounding why I feel this way and then quit because I thought such a post would be excessively self-indulgent and tedious for anyone else to read.)



My perception of the world changed significantly just a few days ago. I didn't learn something new about myself exactly, but I did receive a stunning revelation about how some in my inmost circle have come to view me and who they think I am- what my character is and what my motivations are. I won't be as detailed on this shift of perception as I was regarding my shift of sense because I don't want to name and potentially embarass those loves one to whom I refer.



What I will relate is that I was told something that invalidated much of the last year for me. Who they thought I was and what I was about was not a totally unfair assessment, but off base enough that I felt attacked. I learned that I have been regarded in a way and talked about in a way that I never detected and (maybe foolishly) never expected. The talk was not an angry arguement but truly a conversation of good will. By its conclusion, the assertions made about me were softened and some apologies made. There were hugs and expressions of genuine appreciation. Yet the assertions were never retracted, and I would be remiss to go on as if they were.



A revelation this big needs time to sink in properly. I'm finally self-confident enough to have stood up against claims about me I thought were false (which I do not regret). But I still need to be self-critical insofar as it enables me to see the grains of truth in those claims and make the corrections in myself.


The combined shift in my sense and perception of the world has led me to question whether or not there is some fundamental flaw in the way that I have lived my life as an adult. More specifically, it leaves me wanting the last year of my life back so I can redo it. Maybe if I think it's worthy of posting I'll expand more on these matters later. I apologize again for my clandestine language.